slow season.

This is the slow season. No hockey, no basketball, no football and the halfway point of 9-man stand-around,  aka baseball.  This is the point in the baseball season when the handful of teams that actually still matter for the remainder of the season make a few trades for good players that have contracts ending on their current teams while the rest of the league literally throws in the towel and starts thinking about next season. As fans, we’re treated to a majority of meaningless games.

Sports news is so slow that reports on college football players that receive money from agents, school alumni and other connected riff-raff, four and five years after the fact grabs headlines. As if anyone that has watched college or pro sports in the last 15 years should be surprised that some of the big time money made by big time money makin’ universities, with big time money makin’ sports programs, that have big time money makin’ tv broadcasting contracts, and that recruit big time money makin’ players, is big time dirty.

I give as much a shit about Reggie Bush and/or his family getting money from some lecherous wannabe hanger-on as I do about where Lebron James plays his basketball. I give as much a shit about Cleveland basketball as I do Miami basketball. I care even less about what Pete Carroll knew or didn’t know about Reggie Bush’s money, house or car while he was coaching USC…and I’m sure as hell not going to waste my time reading a book written by a football coach to learn his philosophy on winning. I’m more concerned with my philosophy on paying the fucking mortgage and my equation regarding how many beers comfortably fit on the bottom shelf of my fridge. The NFL and the NCAA need to quite acting like they are honorable and that their fans give a shit. We obviously don’t. Pretending that there is any sort of moral integrity in big time money makin’ sports, college or pro, isn’t something we’re even trying to convince ourselves of these days. Some guys are better than others and that is about as far as it goes anymore. As a fan, I’m fine with that. If it starts to bother me too much, I’ll stop watching and/or stop spending my money on your game. I’ve already cut back…but that is of no real consequence…and who cares.

The NBA might be a complete joke as far as a competitive pro sports league goes, but at least they aren’t trying to fool anybody. Lebron James needed to play college basketball like he needed to stay in Cleveland. Get paid and win at all costs. This is pro sports in the 21st century. Anyone that thinks anything else hasn’t been paying attention. Do you know what I know about Lance Armstrong? I know that he won the Tour de France a bunch of times, lost a ball to cancer, dated Sheryl Crow for a while at some point, has a hell of an endorsement deal judging by the commercials and probably was on steroids through all of it. Livestrong Lance. Do your thing. I really, truly, don’t give a shit. I don’t even know why I know about most of what you’ve been up to, but I do. Actually, I do know why…it’s because you’re a winner. You won those races, so I know who you are. If you had lost all of those, you wouldn’t be on my radar since I don’t follow your sport. I couldn’t name another cyclist right now if you paid me.

Every aspect of sports, from the game itself, to the offseason trades, to the prospects in the minors, to the draft, to the contract negotiations, to the possible training camp holdouts (Why the fuck do I know who Albert Haynesworth’s agent is?), to the salary cap, the player’s unions, to the ownership’s positions, to the tv contracts…its all on the table for the fan to form an opinion about. And slow season is the time in which this minutia steps up to the forefront. It’s enough to make a sports fan hate sports. Right about now, I kinda do. But in a few weeks when football season starts, I’ll be appeased. Slow season is just that. Slow. What am I supposed to do? Give a shit about the World Cup? Seriously? The World Cup in this country is for American sports fans that don’t actually give a shit about sports. Or at least aren’t emotionally invested in being a fan of a team. Soccer fans are pretty much like people that watch American Idol, and then buy the winner’s first record. And then forget about that winner once they are off their tv. And I don’t even want to get started on the white urban hipster contingency of American soccer fan. Most of you shitheads that got all fired up about the World Cup last month won’t remember who won it in about a year. Hell, you don’t even remember who the U.S. team played against in the first round six weeks later. You can’t even name more than 5 players on the U.S. team. Quit acting like you were into it. Sports aren’t your thing and its ok. You just like to buy scarves. Keep carrying your high school anti-jock hangups around into your middle-aged adulthood. Its fun to make fun of.

I am digressing. The point of this post is that slow season blows. Baseball is boring and also completely sucks. Basketball sucks even more than baseball and I can tell you which of the 8 teams that matter will be playing in the 2011 finals right now. The World Cup is at best a minor distraction, and mostly for goof-asses that don’t watch sports anyway. Hockey was fun while it lasted, but the NHL has a long way to go before it is taken seriously and unfortunately it seems to be modeling itself after the NBA. Quick, name what channel “Versus” is on your tv? Exactly. No one wants to watch Carolina vs. Calgary. 75% of the NHL season is foreplay and too many shitty teams make the playoffs after a way too long season. I love the game and I can’t be bothered to follow the league until football has more or less ended. Canadians are the only fans fired up for October hockey.

Bring on the football season already. I want to watch these crazy short career having jacked up motherfuckers kill each other. I immensely enjoy this most violent sport and am not ashamed.  I want to field multiple fantasy teams, drink too many sunday beers and love and hate players, coaches and announcers. I watched the Chad Ochocinco show tonight for chrissakes, against all better judgment, while the out of it Cubs went into extra innings against the Cardinals…and then lost. That’s how interesting a Cubs game is right now. I’d seemingly rather watch a famous pro football player fake tv date a large grouping of ridiculous women. This is how much every other sport completely sucks compared to football.

Slow Season is coming to an end. NFL training camps open this week. If you couldn’t guess, I couldn’t be happier.