Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category


reset button #3: (march) madness.

March 19, 2010

During my morning and nightly commutes, when I’m not listening to my rock ‘n’ roll records, I usually flip between NPR and one of two sports radio stations. I know sports radio is mind-numbing, and I can usually only hang in for up to 15-20 minutes at a clip, but I’m a football junkie and the offseason is as busy as the regular season, plus my Chicago Blackhawks are having an interesting season, so I’ve been listening. Anyway, a few weeks ago I heard a radio ad that actually caught my attention. Which is surprising, because I flip at the first sign of a commercial 99.9% of the time and radio ads are the worst of the worst. Bad actors doing bad voice overs mixed with bad broadcasters, bad scripts, and especially on sports radio, D-grade beer commercial humor hammering you directly over the head. This one caught me though.  I don’t think I’d ever previously heard a radio ad for vasectomies.

The hook, basically, is, get your vasectomy on the Wednesday before the early rounds of the NCAA basketball tournament. You get snipped, no big deal cool guy, and you then get to stay off your feet and chill for a few days. May as well spend it lying around watching hoops all day, right, dude? The urologists office doing your outpatient procedure even throws in a frozen bag of peas (get it!) and a voucher  for a free pizza at a local chain they partnered with.  Free pizza and some dick joke lolz with your outpatient sterilization is the shit! What health care reform U.S.A.? Who cares what it costs! I said basketball and free pizza, motherfuckers!

A personal hero of mine, the great stand-up comedian and social critic, Bill Hicks, once said, “If you’re in marketing, kill yourself…” That one always hit close to home and hurt a bit since I’ve participated in more than my fair share of  marketing meetings over the years. Though, it doesn’t mean Bill wasn’t 100% right.

Just hearing an advertisement for a surgical procedure that causes sterilization should be surreal enough. The fact that it’s tied to a major sporting event and that it fits right in, being plugged with the same humor and tone as ads for mass-produced beer brands, used cars, fast food corporations and discount men’s suits, is downright disturbing. I can’t decide if this is the most brilliant marketing initiative ever or if it is just another goose step in the long march to the bottom.  Somewhere, someone wearing a suit, sitting in a cool looking chair in a mansion is laughing at us while crazy middle-class Christians are protesting health care reform because they are worried that tax dollars might get used to pay for some gal’s abortion.

We live in a country that markets vasectomies via basketball tournaments and we have people in government that find it their duty to stop poor people from getting affordable medical care, abortions included. So Funny. So fucking sad.

But let’s not lose sight of what is most important. Who don’t like ’em some free pizza?

Right now, somewhere in America, a freshly sterile man with a swollen nutsack and a half-thawed bag of peas shoved up his crotch is sitting on the couch enjoying some awesome insurance covered pain meds as he watches highlights of today’s NCAA tournament hoops action on Sportscenter. He’s thinking of how long he has to wait before he gets to bang his wife again now that he doesn’t have to worry about having another kid, a dirty plate of half-eaten pizza crusts at his side. His office pool bracket is still looking pretty damn good and he’s got two more days of games yet to go this weekend. Hell yeah!

Uncool and Heavy’s official and fully potent NCAA Final 4 picks:

Kansas over Pitt
Duke over Wisconsin

Kansas over Duke


reset button #1: guns, guns, guns, shania.

February 24, 2010

While driving this morning, I was behind a Nissan Xterra at a red light that had a National Rifle Association license plate holder, a large NRA seal sticker, a bumper sticker that said “Sportsmen For McCain-Palin” and another bumper sticker that said “Hey Dumb Ass! It’s lack of parenting, not guns!”   There was one other sticker on the car too… a picture of Shania Twain that simply said, “Shania Twain.”

It’s one thing to choose to live your life as the cookie-cutter stereotype of an SUV driving, republican voting, gun owning, animal killing, bad country music listening moron. But it is something else entirely to seek out, purchase and adhere a bunch of messages to your gas guzzling vehicle to advertise your collective poor choices, insecurities and bad taste, while at the same time already antagonizing anyone that might notice and disagree with whatever it was you are pretending we are debating by calling them a “dumb ass.” This is just weak-minded, defensive, narcissistic and arrogant.

You wanted me to notice. Congratulations, I did. You are stupid, weak and pathetic. You also have bad taste in music. You are the worst type of asshole. The world would be a better place without you in it.

All of this before I even got to work today. Just another mid-week morning commute in middle America.



October 13, 2009

Uncool and Heavy is a blog where I can rant about music, film, politics, atheism, religious beliefs, football, craft beer, homebrewing…basically whatever is on my mind at any given time. Those are a few of the things that occupy my time, so I’m sure I’ll get into them. I hope that this blog, among other things, encourages me to write regularly and acts as a self-inflicted kick in the ass as I try to evolve into the best person I can be in all facets of this bewildering 21st century life.