Archive for the ‘Football’ Category


slow season.

July 25, 2010

This is the slow season. No hockey, no basketball, no football and the halfway point of 9-man stand-around,  aka baseball.  This is the point in the baseball season when the handful of teams that actually still matter for the remainder of the season make a few trades for good players that have contracts ending on their current teams while the rest of the league literally throws in the towel and starts thinking about next season. As fans, we’re treated to a majority of meaningless games.

Sports news is so slow that reports on college football players that receive money from agents, school alumni and other connected riff-raff, four and five years after the fact grabs headlines. As if anyone that has watched college or pro sports in the last 15 years should be surprised that some of the big time money made by big time money makin’ universities, with big time money makin’ sports programs, that have big time money makin’ tv broadcasting contracts, and that recruit big time money makin’ players, is big time dirty.

I give as much a shit about Reggie Bush and/or his family getting money from some lecherous wannabe hanger-on as I do about where Lebron James plays his basketball. I give as much a shit about Cleveland basketball as I do Miami basketball. I care even less about what Pete Carroll knew or didn’t know about Reggie Bush’s money, house or car while he was coaching USC…and I’m sure as hell not going to waste my time reading a book written by a football coach to learn his philosophy on winning. I’m more concerned with my philosophy on paying the fucking mortgage and my equation regarding how many beers comfortably fit on the bottom shelf of my fridge. The NFL and the NCAA need to quite acting like they are honorable and that their fans give a shit. We obviously don’t. Pretending that there is any sort of moral integrity in big time money makin’ sports, college or pro, isn’t something we’re even trying to convince ourselves of these days. Some guys are better than others and that is about as far as it goes anymore. As a fan, I’m fine with that. If it starts to bother me too much, I’ll stop watching and/or stop spending my money on your game. I’ve already cut back…but that is of no real consequence…and who cares.

The NBA might be a complete joke as far as a competitive pro sports league goes, but at least they aren’t trying to fool anybody. Lebron James needed to play college basketball like he needed to stay in Cleveland. Get paid and win at all costs. This is pro sports in the 21st century. Anyone that thinks anything else hasn’t been paying attention. Do you know what I know about Lance Armstrong? I know that he won the Tour de France a bunch of times, lost a ball to cancer, dated Sheryl Crow for a while at some point, has a hell of an endorsement deal judging by the commercials and probably was on steroids through all of it. Livestrong Lance. Do your thing. I really, truly, don’t give a shit. I don’t even know why I know about most of what you’ve been up to, but I do. Actually, I do know why…it’s because you’re a winner. You won those races, so I know who you are. If you had lost all of those, you wouldn’t be on my radar since I don’t follow your sport. I couldn’t name another cyclist right now if you paid me.

Every aspect of sports, from the game itself, to the offseason trades, to the prospects in the minors, to the draft, to the contract negotiations, to the possible training camp holdouts (Why the fuck do I know who Albert Haynesworth’s agent is?), to the salary cap, the player’s unions, to the ownership’s positions, to the tv contracts…its all on the table for the fan to form an opinion about. And slow season is the time in which this minutia steps up to the forefront. It’s enough to make a sports fan hate sports. Right about now, I kinda do. But in a few weeks when football season starts, I’ll be appeased. Slow season is just that. Slow. What am I supposed to do? Give a shit about the World Cup? Seriously? The World Cup in this country is for American sports fans that don’t actually give a shit about sports. Or at least aren’t emotionally invested in being a fan of a team. Soccer fans are pretty much like people that watch American Idol, and then buy the winner’s first record. And then forget about that winner once they are off their tv. And I don’t even want to get started on the white urban hipster contingency of American soccer fan. Most of you shitheads that got all fired up about the World Cup last month won’t remember who won it in about a year. Hell, you don’t even remember who the U.S. team played against in the first round six weeks later. You can’t even name more than 5 players on the U.S. team. Quit acting like you were into it. Sports aren’t your thing and its ok. You just like to buy scarves. Keep carrying your high school anti-jock hangups around into your middle-aged adulthood. Its fun to make fun of.

I am digressing. The point of this post is that slow season blows. Baseball is boring and also completely sucks. Basketball sucks even more than baseball and I can tell you which of the 8 teams that matter will be playing in the 2011 finals right now. The World Cup is at best a minor distraction, and mostly for goof-asses that don’t watch sports anyway. Hockey was fun while it lasted, but the NHL has a long way to go before it is taken seriously and unfortunately it seems to be modeling itself after the NBA. Quick, name what channel “Versus” is on your tv? Exactly. No one wants to watch Carolina vs. Calgary. 75% of the NHL season is foreplay and too many shitty teams make the playoffs after a way too long season. I love the game and I can’t be bothered to follow the league until football has more or less ended. Canadians are the only fans fired up for October hockey.

Bring on the football season already. I want to watch these crazy short career having jacked up motherfuckers kill each other. I immensely enjoy this most violent sport and am not ashamed.  I want to field multiple fantasy teams, drink too many sunday beers and love and hate players, coaches and announcers. I watched the Chad Ochocinco show tonight for chrissakes, against all better judgment, while the out of it Cubs went into extra innings against the Cardinals…and then lost. That’s how interesting a Cubs game is right now. I’d seemingly rather watch a famous pro football player fake tv date a large grouping of ridiculous women. This is how much every other sport completely sucks compared to football.

Slow Season is coming to an end. NFL training camps open this week. If you couldn’t guess, I couldn’t be happier.


super bowl pick: the guy with the birthmark on his face.

February 7, 2010

“Watching the Indianapolis Colts play football is like listening to a slick, over-produced album.”
– My wife.

When my wife said the above statement, she was explaining to me why she couldn’t get excited to watch the Colts vs. Ravens playoff game a few weeks ago. I argued that the Colts are totally worthy of watching because we are seeing what is arguably the greatest quarterback to ever play the game in his prime. What I said was true and she didn’t dispute it, but she was still right and I knew exactly what she meant.  In fact, Peyton Manning being the future greatest quarterback of all-time is the main reason why I understood exactly what she meant.

It’s no surprise that the Indianapolis Colts are in the Super Bowl. You watch them on offense, it is somehow 3rd and 8 (likely due to some running plays that didn’t work out), and what happens? Oh look, it’s another perfect pass play. Fourteen yard gain, first down.  Variations on this scenario occur a dozen or so times per game during this era of Colts football we are currently watching. Peyton Manning is the smartest guy on the field. His pass rush, coverage and blitz reads are always correct. His audibles at the line are always the right thing to do. His accuracy is pinpoint. His arm, a cannon. Peyton Manning is in total control of both his team’s offense and his opponent’s defense. He barely ever gets hit and he sees things before they happen. Colts receivers, be they first round draft pick perennial pro bowlers (Reggie Wayne) or guys you’ve never even heard of until this year (Pierre Garcon), seemingly never drop his passes, be they 4-yard dumps or 70-yard bombs. The Colts don’t have big plays called back on stupid penalties. Even when Manning throws the ball away, he does it perfectly, and only when it is the absolute right thing to do at the time. Peyton Manning is the best player in football and when you are watching the Indianapolis Colts play, you are watching the game being played at it’s very best. So why is it that we can’t get excited to watch the Colts?

Unless you are from Indiana, or are an old-school Baltimore Colts fan that decided to stick with the club, you shouldn’t be a Colts fan. If you are a Colts fan and you don’t fall into the two categories I just mentioned, you are likely one of those annoying bandwagon-jumping asshats that started liking the Colts right around the time they started winning a whole hell of a lot of games. That means you really don’t know anything about football and should probably be a Steelers or a Cowboys fan. You’ll fit right in. And unless you’re a Titans, Texans or Jaguars fan that watches your team get picked apart by the Colts twice a year, you probably don’t really have a bunch of reasons to hate the Colts. Most of us watching them play all of those prime time and nationally televised games are indifferent. We expect that the Peyton Manning-led team is going to win and then they do. Their awesome 70-yard pass plays aren’t exciting because we totally thought that was going to happen anyway.

It’s with a sense of malaise that we watch this great team perform. We respect Peyton Manning, but we really don’t root for him. But we don’t hate him the way we do that overrated cookie-cutter frathouse poster boy Tony Romo or that GQ-coverboy, actress/model fucking Tom Brady. Manning and the Colts give us nothing but perfect football. Well, beyond rooting for the underdog by nature, I’ve decided that I need some reasons to hate Manning and the Colts. It makes this game that I don’t really have a personal stake in a little more fun to drink beers along with tomorrow. I am going to hate Peyton Manning for having no flaws and no soul…just like that overproduced rock record my wife was talking about. Because no one with any taste whatsoever likes over-produced rock records. If the Colts were a rock band, they’d be Daughtry. Not even Nickelback, but Daughtry. The Saints ain’t exactly punk rock. I mean, Reggie Bush dates Kim Kardashian, and Jeremy Shockey went to the University of Miami and has some of the dumbest tough guy jock-asshole tattoos ever, but they would probably at least be that singer guy from Slipknot’s hard-rock side project or something like that.

The NFL loves to break out that super 8 home movie footage of Peyton, Eli and Cooper (why do I know his name?) Manning throwing the pigskin around in the backyard as children. I’m sure we’ll probably see it again during tomorrow’s endless broadcast. Even as kids they’re wearing replica NFL uniforms and helmets. The sons of Archie and Olivia (why the hell do I know her name?) were born to excel at pro football. There is something creepily ‘Stepford Wives’ about the Manning family and I don’t want to see any more of those robots hoisting shiny new trophies while wearing badly designed Super Bowl champ baseball caps as a rain of confetti falls upon them.

More reasons to see things my way:

  • Peyton Manning has a legendary NFL quarterback for a father and has another NFL quarterback for a brother.
  • Drew Brees has had more mother issues than he has had passing yards. Google Drew Brees + Mother for details.
  • Peyton Manning is on every other television commercial you see. He endorses Sony HDTVS, Oreo cookies, Wheaties breakfast cereal, Gatorade, Mastercard, DirecTV, Sprint, Reebok, and probably a dozen more I can’t think of.
  • Drew Brees was featured in an NFL United Way ad. That’s the only one I seem to remember. Maybe it’s because Drew Brees has bad hair and a weird birthmark on his face that, for whatever reason, he has never gotten removed.
  • The Colts and Peyton Manning already have a Lombardi trophy.
  • The Saints have never been there in their 43 year history and their fans have suffered through decades of horrible teams.
  • The entire state of Indiana is dry on Sunday. Meaning, you can’t even buy beers at the grocery store on a Sunday because that black hole of a state still keeps ridiculous laws that draw on the asinine religious beliefs of a few on the books.
  • New Orleans is…well, New Orleans. Partying by any means necessary is their culture.

I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for the underdog, the team that needs it more, the team that deserves it more, the team with some flaws and the guy with the birthmark on his face.

More importantly, my fridge is stocked for Super Bowl Sunday with Three Floyds Alpha King, Green Flash Hop Head Red, Victory Yakima Twilight Ale, New Belgium Ranger IPA and Dogfish Head/Sierra Nevada Life & Limb. Even if the Saints lose, I win. Who dat?