reset button #3: (march) madness.

March 19, 2010

During my morning and nightly commutes, when I’m not listening to my rock ‘n’ roll records, I usually flip between NPR and one of two sports radio stations. I know sports radio is mind-numbing, and I can usually only hang in for up to 15-20 minutes at a clip, but I’m a football junkie and the offseason is as busy as the regular season, plus my Chicago Blackhawks are having an interesting season, so I’ve been listening. Anyway, a few weeks ago I heard a radio ad that actually caught my attention. Which is surprising, because I flip at the first sign of a commercial 99.9% of the time and radio ads are the worst of the worst. Bad actors doing bad voice overs mixed with bad broadcasters, bad scripts, and especially on sports radio, D-grade beer commercial humor hammering you directly over the head. This one caught me though.  I don’t think I’d ever previously heard a radio ad for vasectomies.

The hook, basically, is, get your vasectomy on the Wednesday before the early rounds of the NCAA basketball tournament. You get snipped, no big deal cool guy, and you then get to stay off your feet and chill for a few days. May as well spend it lying around watching hoops all day, right, dude? The urologists office doing your outpatient procedure even throws in a frozen bag of peas (get it!) and a voucher  for a free pizza at a local chain they partnered with.  Free pizza and some dick joke lolz with your outpatient sterilization is the shit! What health care reform U.S.A.? Who cares what it costs! I said basketball and free pizza, motherfuckers!

A personal hero of mine, the great stand-up comedian and social critic, Bill Hicks, once said, “If you’re in marketing, kill yourself…” That one always hit close to home and hurt a bit since I’ve participated in more than my fair share of  marketing meetings over the years. Though, it doesn’t mean Bill wasn’t 100% right.

Just hearing an advertisement for a surgical procedure that causes sterilization should be surreal enough. The fact that it’s tied to a major sporting event and that it fits right in, being plugged with the same humor and tone as ads for mass-produced beer brands, used cars, fast food corporations and discount men’s suits, is downright disturbing. I can’t decide if this is the most brilliant marketing initiative ever or if it is just another goose step in the long march to the bottom.  Somewhere, someone wearing a suit, sitting in a cool looking chair in a mansion is laughing at us while crazy middle-class Christians are protesting health care reform because they are worried that tax dollars might get used to pay for some gal’s abortion.

We live in a country that markets vasectomies via basketball tournaments and we have people in government that find it their duty to stop poor people from getting affordable medical care, abortions included. So Funny. So fucking sad.

But let’s not lose sight of what is most important. Who don’t like ’em some free pizza?

Right now, somewhere in America, a freshly sterile man with a swollen nutsack and a half-thawed bag of peas shoved up his crotch is sitting on the couch enjoying some awesome insurance covered pain meds as he watches highlights of today’s NCAA tournament hoops action on Sportscenter. He’s thinking of how long he has to wait before he gets to bang his wife again now that he doesn’t have to worry about having another kid, a dirty plate of half-eaten pizza crusts at his side. His office pool bracket is still looking pretty damn good and he’s got two more days of games yet to go this weekend. Hell yeah!

Uncool and Heavy’s official and fully potent NCAA Final 4 picks:

Kansas over Pitt
Duke over Wisconsin

Kansas over Duke



  1. Did someone say “free”?

  2. You paint a funny picture. I would have been in so much pain I couldn’t enjoy the game. You can’t even jump up and cheer when your alumni team scores a 3, or your bag of peas would fall and then you would fall from the shear pain of gravity.

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