super bowl pick: the guy with the birthmark on his face.

February 7, 2010

“Watching the Indianapolis Colts play football is like listening to a slick, over-produced album.”
– My wife.

When my wife said the above statement, she was explaining to me why she couldn’t get excited to watch the Colts vs. Ravens playoff game a few weeks ago. I argued that the Colts are totally worthy of watching because we are seeing what is arguably the greatest quarterback to ever play the game in his prime. What I said was true and she didn’t dispute it, but she was still right and I knew exactly what she meant.  In fact, Peyton Manning being the future greatest quarterback of all-time is the main reason why I understood exactly what she meant.

It’s no surprise that the Indianapolis Colts are in the Super Bowl. You watch them on offense, it is somehow 3rd and 8 (likely due to some running plays that didn’t work out), and what happens? Oh look, it’s another perfect pass play. Fourteen yard gain, first down.  Variations on this scenario occur a dozen or so times per game during this era of Colts football we are currently watching. Peyton Manning is the smartest guy on the field. His pass rush, coverage and blitz reads are always correct. His audibles at the line are always the right thing to do. His accuracy is pinpoint. His arm, a cannon. Peyton Manning is in total control of both his team’s offense and his opponent’s defense. He barely ever gets hit and he sees things before they happen. Colts receivers, be they first round draft pick perennial pro bowlers (Reggie Wayne) or guys you’ve never even heard of until this year (Pierre Garcon), seemingly never drop his passes, be they 4-yard dumps or 70-yard bombs. The Colts don’t have big plays called back on stupid penalties. Even when Manning throws the ball away, he does it perfectly, and only when it is the absolute right thing to do at the time. Peyton Manning is the best player in football and when you are watching the Indianapolis Colts play, you are watching the game being played at it’s very best. So why is it that we can’t get excited to watch the Colts?

Unless you are from Indiana, or are an old-school Baltimore Colts fan that decided to stick with the club, you shouldn’t be a Colts fan. If you are a Colts fan and you don’t fall into the two categories I just mentioned, you are likely one of those annoying bandwagon-jumping asshats that started liking the Colts right around the time they started winning a whole hell of a lot of games. That means you really don’t know anything about football and should probably be a Steelers or a Cowboys fan. You’ll fit right in. And unless you’re a Titans, Texans or Jaguars fan that watches your team get picked apart by the Colts twice a year, you probably don’t really have a bunch of reasons to hate the Colts. Most of us watching them play all of those prime time and nationally televised games are indifferent. We expect that the Peyton Manning-led team is going to win and then they do. Their awesome 70-yard pass plays aren’t exciting because we totally thought that was going to happen anyway.

It’s with a sense of malaise that we watch this great team perform. We respect Peyton Manning, but we really don’t root for him. But we don’t hate him the way we do that overrated cookie-cutter frathouse poster boy Tony Romo or that GQ-coverboy, actress/model fucking Tom Brady. Manning and the Colts give us nothing but perfect football. Well, beyond rooting for the underdog by nature, I’ve decided that I need some reasons to hate Manning and the Colts. It makes this game that I don’t really have a personal stake in a little more fun to drink beers along with tomorrow. I am going to hate Peyton Manning for having no flaws and no soul…just like that overproduced rock record my wife was talking about. Because no one with any taste whatsoever likes over-produced rock records. If the Colts were a rock band, they’d be Daughtry. Not even Nickelback, but Daughtry. The Saints ain’t exactly punk rock. I mean, Reggie Bush dates Kim Kardashian, and Jeremy Shockey went to the University of Miami and has some of the dumbest tough guy jock-asshole tattoos ever, but they would probably at least be that singer guy from Slipknot’s hard-rock side project or something like that.

The NFL loves to break out that super 8 home movie footage of Peyton, Eli and Cooper (why do I know his name?) Manning throwing the pigskin around in the backyard as children. I’m sure we’ll probably see it again during tomorrow’s endless broadcast. Even as kids they’re wearing replica NFL uniforms and helmets. The sons of Archie and Olivia (why the hell do I know her name?) were born to excel at pro football. There is something creepily ‘Stepford Wives’ about the Manning family and I don’t want to see any more of those robots hoisting shiny new trophies while wearing badly designed Super Bowl champ baseball caps as a rain of confetti falls upon them.

More reasons to see things my way:

  • Peyton Manning has a legendary NFL quarterback for a father and has another NFL quarterback for a brother.
  • Drew Brees has had more mother issues than he has had passing yards. Google Drew Brees + Mother for details.
  • Peyton Manning is on every other television commercial you see. He endorses Sony HDTVS, Oreo cookies, Wheaties breakfast cereal, Gatorade, Mastercard, DirecTV, Sprint, Reebok, and probably a dozen more I can’t think of.
  • Drew Brees was featured in an NFL United Way ad. That’s the only one I seem to remember. Maybe it’s because Drew Brees has bad hair and a weird birthmark on his face that, for whatever reason, he has never gotten removed.
  • The Colts and Peyton Manning already have a Lombardi trophy.
  • The Saints have never been there in their 43 year history and their fans have suffered through decades of horrible teams.
  • The entire state of Indiana is dry on Sunday. Meaning, you can’t even buy beers at the grocery store on a Sunday because that black hole of a state still keeps ridiculous laws that draw on the asinine religious beliefs of a few on the books.
  • New Orleans is…well, New Orleans. Partying by any means necessary is their culture.

I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for the underdog, the team that needs it more, the team that deserves it more, the team with some flaws and the guy with the birthmark on his face.

More importantly, my fridge is stocked for Super Bowl Sunday with Three Floyds Alpha King, Green Flash Hop Head Red, Victory Yakima Twilight Ale, New Belgium Ranger IPA and Dogfish Head/Sierra Nevada Life & Limb. Even if the Saints lose, I win. Who dat?


  1. I’m with you 100%. Fuck Peyton Manning. Even though he is kind of hilarious in most of his gazillion commercials. New Orleans needs this victory from a “healing their wounded souls” perspective, and that’s all the justification I need.

    Nice to see you writing, btw. Happy superbowling!

  2. Good call on the Yakima Twilight. Get it while you can because they stopped making it. This Super Bowl is going to suck.

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